Journals and blogs discussion

I think I’ve mentioned it here a few times that I always felt like a transgender person. That’s likely why chastity suited me so well naturally. I really grew to enjoy the suppression of erections and those sensations that used to trigger my gender dysphoria.

Last week, I told my wife and therapist about being transgender. My therapist wasn’t surprised at all; she’d suspected it since our first session. My wife was less shocked than I expected. For a long time, I had been hiding how uncomfortable I felt with my body and its sexual functions, often blaming my low desire for sex on her vaginismus. She truly dislikes intercourse, but even when guilt made her offer to let me have it occasionally, I would turn her down because I didn’t want to hurt her or feel guilty afterward. The reality was that the male side of things always felt strange and unnatural to me since I’ve never been comfortable with male sexuality or my “equipment”.

Her reaction was a mix of surprise and confirmation of her long-held suspicion that something wasn’t quite “normal” about my sexuality. Then, she surprised me by confessing that she has struggled with lesbian feelings since high school. She even mentioned some close female friends who are hard for her to be around because they arouse her. She’s never really felt sexual desire toward men. She said she married me for my compassionate and sensitive nature, but also to validate herself to relatives and friends who wouldn’t accept her attraction to women.

It’s been a weird week of adjusting to this truth about each other. We’re still us, yet it feels different. She likes the idea of me being feminine, though she worries about what life would be like for our family if I transition completely. Regarding physical appearance and personality changes, she is okay with everything up to and including full gender reassignment surgery (GRS). However, the social impact and unknown effects on our children are keeping us worried.

We had our first sexual encounter together since my coming out last night. I set a clear boundary: no touching or stimulating my penis, at least not intentionally. I hate erections, and making them worse by stimulation is terrible. So we stuck to that rule. I didn’t try to act male like I usually do. In the past, I always felt compelled to exaggerate sexual behavior to prove my manhood. Not last night. I’ve always felt sexually feminine in a submissive way, so I let that show without hiding it. I focused on her and pleasing her, with little desire for reciprocity. I was happy just cuddling and satisfying her. She loved it as much as I did.

Her orgasm lasted longer and hit harder than any before. Afterward, she felt a bit odd about the experience. It was hard for her to admit that she had just had sex with a woman—and enjoyed it immensely. Even though she’s long felt attracted to feminine people, admitting she actually did this was difficult.

So, where do I go from here? Things are up in the air. I really want to transition fully, but I worry it might not be safe or ideal for my family at this stage of life. My therapist suggested some hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to reduce male sexual function and provide a bit of feminization to ease my dysphoria. She thought I could present as something like a masculine lesbian—easier to pass as male in public when needed, while keeping an inwardly feminine identity.

Once the HRT gets me to a point where erections stop or become hard to achieve, I plan to take off the chastity device because it won’t be necessary anymore. Plus, testicles usually shrink significantly, and eventually, the base ring might not stay on at all.

Thanks to everyone here who has been like family. It’s been a fun experience, and I wish you all the best.