Introductions discussion

Greetings everyone, Given that this is a mansion-like community, I suppose I’ll step through with the usual greeting. (Note: I’m not seeking sympathy, just some answers to my questions and feelings. Knowing the full context helps me greatly.) Let me start by introducing myself. I am a 32-year-old single man from the Netherlands, and I have remained single throughout my life. Professionally, I consider myself successful; I turned my hobby into a career as a Software Engineer. These submissive tendencies have been present since my early teens (around 13 or 14). My parents divorced during that time as well. Although it didn’t drastically alter my future path—my parents eventually split on good terms and now get along better than they did when married—I was heavily bullied, mostly by girls. To me, the psychological impact of being bullied while having no one to talk to took its toll, a struggle I still face today, which partly explains why I am single. My appearance doesn’t help much either. I carry extra weight and lack the drive to change it, even after undergoing gastric bypass surgery. So there was a point where motivation was present. I have developed these submissive feelings primarily towards women rather than men. Around that same period when Cable internet became prevalent, access to porn sites featuring BDSM content also improved. And so I began exploring them. It started with things like boot and heel worship, gradually expanding over time. Even ballbusting scenes appealed to me now, something I wasn’t drawn to a year ago. Alongside this came a masturbation addiction; at least once daily is necessary for me. Recently, I discovered key-holding and related practices, though I didn’t take them too seriously initially. I started communicating with an Online Domme who helped convince me to acquire a CB6000 replica. However, I need the S-version. As I ordered it, I was extremely excited about receiving it and wearing it for her. But once it arrived and I began using it, something shifted in my mindset. It wasn’t quite what I wanted for an Online Domme dynamic. That’s where my research journey truly began, finding this site and reading stories here added to the conflict. I feel a desire to give myself to someone special who genuinely wants to hold the key and take charge of certain aspects of my life, deepening my love for her in the process. Over the past few days, numerous emotions have been swirling within me. A female friend noticed that I wasn’t mentally well and insists on discussing it with me. We’ve known each other for over 14 years; she has always accepted me as I am. Regarding our friendship history: Many years ago, I stayed at her place in a separate room because she didn’t want to be alone right after her then-boyfriend broke up with her. I have also been there for her whenever she needed support, and the dynamic is reciprocal. Whenever I felt down, she was present for me. Her last two boyfriends failed to provide what she needs in a relationship. Years ago, feelings developed for her, but I hesitated to confess because I feared ruining our friendship; I hold her dear as a friend. The confession didn’t break the bond and perhaps even strengthened it, though she said she couldn’t reciprocate those romantic feelings. By that time, one could say I was “friend-zoned”. To describe her: She is the opposite of me. Fun and outgoing, uncaring about others’ opinions. Meanwhile, I am shy, quiet, and constantly overthinking what people think of me. She loves animals greatly and keeps several herself, enjoying their care. I admire that quality in her. This extends to her vegan lifestyle as well. She is also interested in Reiki and similar practices. Since she has shared small details about her sex life with me on occasion, I believe she is open-minded and trusts me. Now that she wants to understand what’s troubling me, it makes me realize even more how much I treasure, adore, and love her. But how do I explain these feelings? How do I reveal this side of me that she never knew existed? In the past, whenever I spoke to her when feeling low, she lifted my spirits. I hinted to her that Radiohead’s “Creep” accurately captures what I feel right now, without going into too much detail.