Journals and blogs discussion

[[This text is copypasted from my Fetlife post of the same name. Outside of the immediate Chastity/Sissification fetish, I go by the name of Meeko.]] I’ve been keeping a journal since April 5th, 2000. Don’t bother with the math; the entries are sporadic, ranging from daily to once a week or even longer intervals. I have filled seven single-subject notebooks and am currently working through my eighth one. So, this comes from “Volume 8”. I’m not completely certain if I’ll ever write a formal introduction post. I’ve had this account for at least three years now, always promising to add journal entries, but it has only just occurred to me to put one up. If I waited until I gathered all my thoughts perfectly for an intro post, it might never happen. The following was transcribed from today’s physical journal entry with minor edits and redactions. Meeko’s log: Volume 8, pages 13 and 14, “Mike’s Hard Paradox” September 24, 2015 2:52 pm Footnotes are provided for numbers in parentheses. The paradox—well, one of the many with a chastity fetish—is that you can be simultaneously too big or too small for a specific device. Some pain is expected, frankly. But when that pain shifts into a different kind? Yeah, check your plumbing. Clear silicone shouldn’t look red. I removed the Neo(0) on the 12th and yes, there was bleeding. I only just got back inside it yesterday—for about five hours. “Turtling” – I shrivel up. It’s a measurement often overlooked or specifically told to be ignored. Overcompensating for this rubbed me raw, quite literally. I’m probably back at 90% capacity and tried again. The “beans” barely fit in with lube. The “frank” can slip out even when locked. Paradoxical. Despite that, it still pulls me in. That part is easy enough to say. Defining the expression? Aye, that’s where the rub lies. At work today, my ADHD took over and I found myself imitating Anne Robinson – host of “The Weakest Link”. I told a regular customer, “that’s how my brain works.” He said his functions similarly too. I meant it as an excuse for my ADHD behavior. The idea that I can’t ignore ADHD while looking at BDSM has lapped itself.(1) Precognition seems like too grand a word though. There is the Ur Example of “Zillions Of Games”(2) and the “kitty scripting”(3) I did to it, getting the selection screen to play “My Favorite Game”(4) – only realizing the masterstroke after several game sessions later on. I made the switch for mundane like-ability. Realizing it was a pun with double meaning came much later. I do word scrambles fairly quickly; I know before I consciously know. I attribute this to ADHD and impulse. This impulse function must be accounted for as I explore my kinks. A.B.(5) Whom I went to YHC(6) with, has been commenting on some of my Facebook posts lately. We started a private conversation, and even as I write this, my Facebook is open waiting for her reply.

Is impulse function a prototype “lapping itself”? << With enough impulse, I told A.B., “…for me, I’m finally at a point where I think I can’t live my fullest life without indulging them [fetishes].” It’s chicken and egg. There are many examples here, but to limit the scope, let’s pick sissification. For me, for the most part, beer is just beer. I love Mike’s Hard [lemonade]. Or rather, did, until I found out it was considered feminine. Do I kill two birds with one drink? Am I becoming a “funishment” slut? Not sure we get to be quite so lucky as to pick that exact position. The long-standing example here is: why do I still want a locking penis gag? When can you draw the line of best fit, from what GLaDos(7) calls “points of data”? Will it not result in “Huge Success”? And don’t all my fetishes, either naturally or with some retrospect, become grist for the mill as they reach acceptance and terms with me, having that same meeting of minds within myself? Can a fetish be “solved”? Is there benefit in solving? If you can solve it, do you become who you already are?(8) What does this mean for things I’m curious about but virgin to? Yes, I have hard limits; yes, I know I want to try some things before others. Ironically and perhaps fittingly, I now have the foundations for a map to navigate by. It’s even better to have that because job, Effexor, and budget are more of the same status quo if not worse. Progress—or rather, seeming progress—has been wiped out almost entirely by reality, those predictable realities I should have seen coming. 0 Birdlocked Neo male chastity device (cock cage). For a small laundry list of reasons, I finally got into chastity (figuratively and literally) on September 9th. I can trace my desire to be locked all the way back to 2005 through message boards elsewhere in the community. It wouldn’t surprise me if I hadn’t been curious a few years prior. 1 “Lapped itself” is one of many abbreviations I use to refer to epiphanies discovered in previous entries. Some people here call it a “flash of genius.” For me, it’s a resounding self-truth that cannot be ignored. While not quite frisson, it is a similar feeling of self-confirmation. 2 Zillions Of Games is software offering a programming language specifically for board gaming. There is a demo available for Windows at

The website doesn’t look updated in many years. Full disclosure: I sponsored Zillions on my now defunct Geocities site. (Take this as another sign of how old the software is.) 3 I’m still not entirely clear what being a script kitty actually means. However, in this immediate case, I simply renamed a midi file to match the filename Zillions used. Rudimentary hacking, or perhaps an exploit, but it worked. 4 “My Favorite Game” by The Cardigans. 5 Name omitted. 6 The Junior College I attended from 2001 – 2003. 7 If you need to look this up here, I have some cake for you. 8 “Spirituality is becoming who you already are.” I heard this two or three years ago, in all places, during an Episcopalian midnight mass (Christmas). It has been a refrain for me many times since then as I continue exploring my interests (BDSM, Furry, Trekkie, Brony, etc.)