- Posts
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- Joined
- Jan 1970
I’ve been dreaming of long-term chastity for half my life now. I’m 28 and finally working hard to make that wish a reality. My longest stretch so far was three months, though I felt disappointed when it ended.
It’s been a bumpy journey—which is why the title says what it does—because I deal with PTSD. The first twenty years of my life were one long, traumatic experience. I’m seeking professional help, but by GOD!, it takes so much time. Another challenge is that my lovely partner of eight years (I’ll call him husbear from now on, even though we aren’t married yet) suffers from social anxiety. This journal is for him just as much as it is for me. Writing helps us communicate better—at least for me—and I hope he enjoys reading along. Hi husbear, love you!
Of course, I hope many others read this too.:D
I received my PTSD diagnosis not long ago. Before that, my life felt very confusing to me. Now that I understand a bit more about what’s happening, I’m finally getting it together. Dealing with symptoms of an unknown mental illness is vastly different from dealing with ones you understand. My efforts to get my life back (well, “getting back” might be slightly misleading; it implies I had one and lost it, which isn’t quite true) have brought me back to chastity.
Long-term chastity is my biggest sexual desire, though I’d made peace with the possibility that I couldn’t do it. I was just too unsteady and unstable before. I feel like that has changed now.
I’m going through a very stressful time right now, which in the past would have made chastity nearly impossible. Yesterday I had a massive panic attack; I still feel physically ill from it, but I kept my cock restrained. In the past, I couldn’t have managed that. Back then, I would have needed to end chastity because I couldn’t handle feeling so overwhelmed—it felt sickening and claustrophobic. Previously, I also self-medicated with alcohol and other things, which is no longer necessary; it’s the power of knowledge! I’m very proud of my first week in chastity right now. Despite that massive attack yesterday (and a smaller one a few days prior), I didn’t do anything foolish. Yay me!:D
My work on self-improvement includes becoming a bear-bodybuilder, eating healthily, stopping the self-medication, and staying chaste. So far, I feel like I’m doing great.
I don’t feel particularly horny right now, which is likely the aftermath of that panic attack, but I hope my horniness returns soon. I get so happy when I’m horny; that’s why I want to live in chastity in the first place. When I am horny, I feel like my true self.
Because chastity is new and a little frightening for husbear, we have a somewhat unique agreement. You could say he isn’t quite ready to keep me locked up yet because it makes him very anxious about doing something wrong. For now, I maintain my own chastity with his help. That seems to put him at ease more, and I’m just happy that chastity is happening. I believe he just needs some time to get used to our new activities and his new boyfriend.
He sets the dates for potential releases. He told me I could cum this weekend if I wanted to, but I plan to ask for a bit more time in chastity. This way, we feel like we have the best of both worlds.
We are using the honor system for now. I will not stimulate my genitals or nipples, though watching porn videos is fine (pictures okay too). There are many reasons for this. For one, good devices are expensive; a few years ago, we tried something cheap and it was a disaster. Also, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of being stuck in a device during a PTSD attack. In the future, when I get better at handling those, why not? But right now, that would be nightmare fuel. Plus, I find the honor system immensely empowering, romantic, sexy, and masculine. It feels so good to resist the urge. When I feel more horny, I’ll likely write more about this.
So yeah, this is my rambling first journal entry. Pretty unfocused, but it’s mine.:D:D Writing this was fun; I bet I’m going to do this a lot. I am very happy right now, even though I feel quite ill. Chastity brings me happiness.