Journals and blogs discussion

I’m not sure where this is leading me.

Growing up, I was a typical American kid in a small town. At first, I was always the one getting picked on until I learned to stand my ground. I developed an attitude and eventually found pride in myself. You could even say I became vindictive; revenge felt good then and it still does now. Being assertive made me feel better about who I am. My muscles grew big and my resolve strengthened. Today, I’m confident in what I do and don’t care much for others’ opinions.

Yet deep down, I sensed that my self-esteem was still low. Most people wear a mask to handle the world and all its nonsense. Maybe I was deceiving myself—perhaps I was only weak inside while projecting strength outward. More likely, though, I’m strong in some situations but weaker in others. It doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to realize that’s how most of us are.

With me specifically, there is a part of my nature that takes pride in standing up for itself. However, within my relationship, I noticed something: when my wife started acting assertive toward me, I’d get a little tingle in my groin. As I explored this feeling more, I discovered strong submissive tendencies.

These conflicting traits—assertive yet submissive—confuse the hell out of me.

So, the research continues.