Journals and blogs discussion

I figured I should post this here since putting it in my regular blog might just result in most of the readers asking about what we do. It feels like the right spot, even though I hate lurking and want to make sure everything makes sense (which means this will be a bit long).

My partner and I have an unusual dynamic. We met online—I know, yuck—but on a BDSM site. I’ve always seen myself as submissive, but it’s been hard for me to fully embrace that role, partly because I don’t share well in the traditional lifestyle sense. That usually doesn’t mesh with how things are done there, which is why I looked for someone closer to my own age and seeking something deeper than just standard SM dynamics. After many failed conventional relationships, I realized I couldn’t keep waiting to stumble upon someone who matched me.

We talked endlessly. What intrigued me was that he never condescended to me; in fact, he seemed annoyed if I treated our conversations with the usual sub/Dom hierarchy between us. We swapped stories and horror tales (since we all have at least one bad decision). Eventually, we shared fantasies. He revealed some of his desires—not all involved having me tied up and happily spanked or caned.

He started by mentioning a love for satin, which I could understand since I adore my satin sheets. As we dug deeper into that topic, the conversation shifted to a fondness for maid uniforms. It took a while, but he finally brought up chastity and treating him as a sissy maid. This was difficult for him, much like when I first told an ex that I wanted to be tied up and spanked.

I asked if these were things he truly wanted from me. Then came the pause—we all know that look whether you’re on one side or the other of this specific conversation. He said no pressure; if it made me uncomfortable, we could adjust. On some level I was uneasy, but not because I wouldn’t enjoy it. It was more about fitting into my existing identity. How can someone be both a sub and a Dom simultaneously? Naturally, I needed time to think, which I took over the next few months without him bringing it up again.

Then, I managed to save enough money and time to visit London and see him. Those two weeks were incredible, and I returned home with beautiful welts. Our relationship shifted afterward, and I happily accepted my collar. But then came the moment of decision. He mentioned he had visited a professional (a pro), which sent me into a rage. This ties back to my issue with sharing.

I felt hurt—a deep wound I hadn’t felt in years. It was two-fold: first, that I had failed him as his sub; second, the insecure thoughts crept in—why am I not good enough? Why does he need someone else?

He later admitted he hadn’t actually seen a pro yet; he said it to gauge my reaction. While underhanded, I see why he did it because it gave me an ultimatum. It was time for the “s#$% or get off the pot” moment: could I do what he asked? The Dom side of me emerged, and we started emailing back and forth.

The concern remained about how things would work when we are together in person—how to clarify our blurred lines. This got tested on my next visit. I had the chance to top him, and it was thrilling. Wrapping him from head to toe in yards of satin while teasing and tormenting him until he whimpered and begged was wonderful. Now I see why being Dom is addictive: the power, knowing I could either tease or offer relief.

I’ve been trying to settle into this role, and he has been understanding and helpful, especially since I struggle with thinking like a Dom naturally. I believe it will come with time. Part of my reason for joining here was to understand these dynamics better.

Since we’ll be living together soon (and yes, I bought him a CBT device for Christmas), I figure there’s a place for this facet in my life. I’ve never felt confined to one category, and this proves it. Most nights are spent figuring out how best to be his everything. I want to appreciate the journals here; while I have a sub perspective, reading others’ experiences is nice.

I worry a lot, especially right before we meet in person. Sending instructions via text/email is easy; actually vocalizing them is another matter entirely. It’s been fun and interesting—shopping for this dynamic is delightful too. Balancing everything will come with time. I love seeing pictures of him in his maid outfit cleaning the house.

I still need my playtime, though!:evilgrin0036: Hopefully, all this changes once we are under the same roof. It’s hard to imagine that context right now. Not to mention using topping as a way to “top from the bottom.” I am happy knowing that while he wants these things, I still have my place at his feet whenever I want it, and occasionally, he can be my adorable sissy.

From now on, doubtless less writing and more mundane details. But part of why I joined was wanting to know more from people with actual experience in this lifestyle side. Anyway, back off to read my CBT book; I keep getting evil ideas.