Introductions discussion

I often use the handle Professor Hawker and it’s a pleasure to meet everyone. I thought I’d poke up here and let you all know a bit about where I’m going at this from as I comment and observe.

I consider myself a dominant with an appreciation for filling the roll of submissive to escape, relax, and play. I know I really can’t do a long term submission because it’s not really my nature. In fact, in my marriage, the more submissive I find myself having to be to keep peace, the more frustrated I also grow and the more problems that crop up. It’s just not my personality type.

I discovered Kink fairly late, partly through discovering Second Life and really exploring the online world of it. I graduated from that to real world interactions and joined the site Fet Life. While I am not an active Kinkster, I have been active on that site as well as in my local community. I often act as a host at a local munch because I’m fairly safe, very honest, and because I’m also pretty forward when needed.

I am married, and we have two kids, and that saps a lot of our time and energy, leaving us struggling to make things happen when they should. “All Joy/ No fun” so the saying goes regarding modern parent-hood. Sadly my discovery of Kink has actually had a chilling affect as my wife, though we love each other dearly, is more afraid of sex and that it won’t measure up to my kinky fantasies. Part of my curiosity into chastity came about because, hey, it wasn’t happening that much to begin with.

Efforts were made to help ease her into the BDSM lifestyle from trying to get her to attend a munch, to a few experiments at living a D/s relationship, to just handing her BDSM themed fiction. None of them panned out very well but there is always hope for another new trial.

As for chastity play I do have a device that I’m experimenting with. I know that I can’t and am not interested in living a chastened lifestyle. I may lock myself and I may even hand her a key but two more remain would remain available to me at all times. One in case of medical need and one in case I decide the game is over and it’s time to take the cage off. And it’s that thought process that reminds me where I tend to lean over the lash. I would find absolutely no joy or pleasure in someone telling me that X, Y and Z were going to happen or the cage was not coming off. If it were in the moment and the game itself was fun I would play along, but if someone were to put that earnestly even after I said “no”, then the back up keys come out and that’s that.

I won’t ever (I hope) judge those who have a different kink than I and I realize that the vast majority of this group is taking a different path. I respect that we are all in different places and that things happen as people elect, precisely. As long as all parties are consenting, then I am a happy camper.

I will confess, however, that my tolerance for Non-Consent play is low, and for true Non-consent is nonexistent.

In an effort to bring my wife into the kinky fold I tried to join a community that engaged in Christian Domestic Discipline. The running belief was that God has placed Man as the Head of House, and that women are to follow that lead. Wives are to, literally, submit. Which, generally, is all well and good and while I was concerned I remained and learned. My concerns began when one man reported his first night of living the CDD lifestyle after his wife consented. They had a “punishment session” so she could understand just how badly he’d spank her if she disobeyed and despite repeated demands he stop, or having to use a pressure hold (arm behind back) to contain her efforts to flee, he was strong and he did not stop spanking her until he believed he had put the fear of his hand well into her backside. I was aghast. I was also told that this is how “real” Dominance works, and that under no circumstances do you ease up, lest they see you as weak. Any experience with BDSM was dismissed as “Those game players and oversexed weirdos”.

I quit the group shortly after posing the question of how to respond if my wife asked to leave the lifestyle and end the spankings and punishments for transgression. While some said that I should honor her wishes, the majority opinion was, and I think they were earnest, that I should punish her until she remembers her place, and if needed consider a belt or a brush rather than my hand to help.

I could go on with other stories that came through my short period with that group, but I think I’ve dumped out enough baggage on that front. I also realize that there is a fine line and that part of the pleasure of this all is to walk that line. While I don’t share it, I totally respect and understand the pleasure of being totally at another’s mercy and to be without recourse. It’s just not me, and I’m the sort to quietly ask “you doing okay?” more than assume that one is, and always to do so quietly and discretely. At the end there are always more chances to slide towards sub space, but it can only take one bad one to leave a serious scar.

And there are some dominant I know locally who brag about the scars they’ve left…

I know, a bit of a downer…

So what do I hope to get out of my time here? In part I wouldn’t mind a little help figuring out how to use chastity in play on a more vanilla level (I know that sounds odd but I think it makes sense) or what kinds of things I can make work for myself. I confess that the snuggness of the cage, all by itself, is quite thrilling, and the idea of having to work rather than indulge is a bit fun to play with. I wouldn’t mind information on the lifestyles that work, and with all D/s relationships I’m always looking to study more, and learn more.

While I may not practice much, I strive to be the best informed non-practicer you can find.